I spent most of my life being afraid of gaining weight. It didn't stop me gaining weight though, nor did it stop me from developing unhealthy habits from a lack of awareness about what a healthy body FEELS like. Somebody's health very rarely is reflected in the way their body looks. That's surface level shit. It's way deeper than that.
As someone who developed chronic pain as a teenager, I felt the need to numb myself instead of actively investigating my feelings and trying to find a healthy way to address them. I got very good at numbing myself as I searched for different "life hacks" and shortcuts around the glaring issue - I was not listening to my body because I didn't like what it was telling me.
I spent so much energy trying to embrace the illusion that someone else had to figure it out for me that I became out of touch with the cause of my pain and frustration. I would say that my intention was to be the healthiest version of my highest self, but I would consistently ignore the responsibility of figuring out what that looked like TO ME, always searching for it in what others told me to do.
It wasn't until I injured myself in October 2020 that I realized I was pushing myself for the wrong reasons. I labeled it with good intentions, but in an attempt to be taken more seriously as a "hard worker", my actions became rushed and unfocused. It was simply being in that state of mind that put me at risk of overdoing it, not the actions themselves. That's the lesson I've been learning from the experience, anyway.
It's forced me to physically slow down and take a necessary break from physically exhausting myself to prove my worth. It's a break that I intend to see through, and it doesn't bother me that a lifestyle change of that caliber has resulted in a change in physique. In fact, I see it as another opportunity to change my approach to physical training.
I've already taken this approach upon myself and have FELT some pretty noticeable results over the past few months. It doesn't hurt to see it though, either.
Even though I have an image in mind of what my body COULD look like if I did this or changed that, I refuse to base my value on how closely I resemble it. That's counterintuitive to the realization of my highest self, because I know she's the one living her best life despite the circumstances.
So here I am, being my best self, living it up despite the circumstances. Wanna join me?