There have been a lot of things on my mind recently, which typically means I need to do some creative writing, and that usually results in a new blog post. So I've been trying to sort my thoughts to fit into one common theme that I can translate into a single post here, but I'm struggling. Maybe I just need to ditch the idea of having a structure so that I can really allow the ideas to flow. When I get into this weird state of mind where I have too many competing thoughts, I become indecisive and usually end up sabotaging myself by doing nothing, or doing a full 180 and switching to a task that has absolutely nothing to do with the tornado in my mind. The thing I'm realizing about that tactic though is that no matter what activity I choose to distract myself with, my subconscious will continue to act out until I come back around to confronting myself somehow. It's really just delaying the inevitable.
The longer I wait to voice my thoughts and feelings, the more complicated I feel towards them, especially with everything in the world around me changing so much in unprecedented ways. Sometimes I believe if I can't reach an epiphany with something that's occupying my mind, I should just put it back on the shelf until it just dawns on me somehow. I haven't considered the possibility that just using my creative writing skills to explore my thought processes alone could improve my brain function enough to give me the boost towards that revelation I'm waiting for.
My perfectionist tendencies are partly to blame for my self-sabotaging as well, since I have a hard time just being candid when I'm monologuing and constantly find myself stopping the flow of my words to make sure I'm using proper grammar and avoiding run on sentences. It's tough to power through those urges in situations like this where I just feel like I need to let my consciousness flow without being as confined to a certain structure.
So now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel I can get back to the first matter I intended to delve into while creating this post: environment. I don't even really know where to begin with expressing how much of an impact I feel my surroundings have on me. I always considered myself an empath, so I'm not sure if I have an increased sensitivity to the energy I come into contact with, or if this is in fact more universal than I realize. I know it is to some extent, but as I've attempted different walks of life to try to find my true calling over the years, I've witnessed an overwhelming amount of people who seem to be stuck in the matrix and desensitized to the lack of joy and positive energy in their lives. Whenever I found myself feeling stuck in one of these toxic environments, I fled as soon as I had the chance. Whether it was at work or at home, I could never tolerate an atmosphere where I'm unable to express myself without being gaslit, put down, or manipulated somehow. Each instance is a long story in itself and I've already come to terms with justifying my motives, but I still have an association of guilt with the act of fleeing something even when my intuition is screaming at me to go Kerouac on everyone's ass.
I'm not sure if this is the result of not wanting to tolerate being miserable for the sake of other people's convenience, or if it's a sign of being in tune with my divine purpose and not allowing myself to waste time pursuing anything longer than necessary to become more aligned with that. Maybe those aren't even mutually exclusive. One thing I do know is that I have always benefited more when I chose to listen to my intuition and focus on removing whatever's weighing me down so I can elevate myself to the higher vibrations that I can already feel buzzing even in the more distant future.
In the past, this has taken many different forms: dropping out of college, leaving a stressful job, breaking a lease with an abusive landlord... I could go on the more I consider the pattern. This behavior is what led me back to living with my parents in my mid 20s, after many of what I always considered failed attempts at figuring my life out. But so what if I did fail? I'm still here now, and I've certainly learned a lot in the process of getting to this point.
By the end of last year, I was feeling my confidence coming back and honestly feeling better than I ever have. I started really feeling like I was aligning myself with something greater. Then the universe delivered an absolutely devastating blow to my emotional stability when my dog Paka suddenly got cancer and passed away at the beginning of this year. A lot of things can change in a few months, especially when there's a global pandemic, and I don't expect anyone else to worry about my problems when they clearly have their own. But when you have some serious trauma to process, it requires some patience and understanding from the people who want you to be present in their lives. Still, I can relate to seeing someone I care about trying to handle something that nearly breaks them and looking into their suffering from the outside wondering when they'll feel okay again. Even though I can refer to it now like it's a thing of the past, I'm still very much in the healing process and probably will be for a long time.
Normally I would use this time to do some impulsive shit to help me reestablish myself, and I had some serious plans that I was actually looking forward to. For one, I was planning to get a memorial tattoo for Paka in April - rain check. Before that even, I was planning a crazy new hairstyle to complement the custom festival outfits I had ordered - another rain check. And above all else, I decided for my birthday last year that I was going to do something entirely for myself and actually go to my first music festival. When I saw the lineup being teased for EDCLV I was absolutely convinced I needed to go even though tickets were sold out. It's hard to explain all the reasons why I felt called to this event but as the months passed, it became even bigger than just doing it for myself. I really became obsessed with this community and wanted more than anything to actually have a chance to meet up in person with some of the incredible people I've met online throughout this journey. I can't tell you how hard I visualized and manifested getting those tickets, even down to the fact that I could use airline miles to book my flight and everything... just to have another rain check.
So wait... how does this all relate back to environment? Well I realized when the original EDCLV date wasn't happening that it was the main thing keeping me going. Having it so far off in the future and not even being certain of that at this point made me stop and face my current reality. I realized I was fixating so much on this festival because it was like my escape from my environment. When I looked around, I saw only evidence of how rushed I had been over the last year to just fill the space I had with all the shit that I had been carrying around. I hadn't really thought about what I should be letting go of or how to make my own space so I could really thrive and create a better flow of energy.
Even though I spent the last year focusing on building my sense of self and inner power, I forgot how much I act as a reflection of my surroundings. I wanted to escape to a music festival because that was the energy I was craving, not realizing that the atmosphere of such an event is created by PEOPLE coming together to enjoy themselves and just get lost in the art, the music, the moment. As I started trying to participate in more group challenges and classes coming from the festival community, I started realizing this is the best thing I can do for myself right now, from staying active to improving my skills and even improving my ability to connect with others.
After a few weeks of doing that, I started feeling the lack of energy weighing me down. I was getting discouraged by not having my own place and not feeling like I have enough space to create. The fact of the matter was actually that I felt uncomfortable suggesting that I take on a project that might require help or create an inconvenience for someone else, and I also was daunted by the amount of work it would take. I figured it would have to be worth it though, because I was reaching that point again where I felt like I would rather run away than deal with the problems. This wasn't someone else's problem to deal with, though, so I made the commitment to redefine how I exist in my home and I'm truly happy I did. It was an exhausting project that took about 2 weeks, but I really feel now that I can accomplish something when I set my mind to it, and I was desperately needing to gain that kind of confidence back.
With all that being said, I'll leave with an equally important reminder to myself, and perhaps for my readers as well; having a plan is helpful, but it doesn't need to be a perfect plan. In my experience, the more detailed the plan is, the more discouraging it can be when things don't line up perfectly. And in my experience, if things line up perfectly, it probably wasn't even part of your plan. Once you've started down a path of pursuing something, it's more valuable to be open minded enough to go along with different plan if yours doesn't work out. It might hurt your pride to abandon something that you felt confident about, but that doesn't rob you of your power to acknowledge your pain, feel it, send your love to it, and let it go.